


The End of love

by queerwinters



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Asylum
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Grief, Hallucinations, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 14:38:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17024526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerwinters/pseuds/queerwinters
Summary: Mary reacting to Lana’s death.BIG thank you to Robin for helping me out with this, especially for sitting through my many English errors and hours of procrastination...I appreciate you so much.





	The End of love

Mary clasped her hands in front of her body in an attempt to ease her trembling. Her mind wandered to what Lana would’ve done to quell her fears. But she was gone, and there was nothing Mary could do to bring her back. She wanted to laugh at herself or stand in awe of the view given to her by the roof of their apartment building, but she could not. She saw only the reason she was there; to mark the end of love.

 

She had to remind herself that although Lana was gone, she hadn’t left her by choice. Even in death, there would be no true end to their love. They had gone through hell; passed through the flames, the floods, storms, and still crawled away from the rubble intact. They were not invincible, but they had always been resilient. Before Lana, she had God, and with the both of them, anything was possible. But without Lana, Mary felt alone, and she could not be resilient by herself.

 

_You have to embrace your pain if you are ever to move past it._

 

Mary’s heart ached at the thought of the woman she loved and lost. She sat down slowly, dangling her legs from the great height. She wasn’t ready. The fear of the fall threatened to suffocate her, but the fear of living without Lana would do much worse, she knew.

 

_Mary woke up to Lana’s voice humming next to her. Hands were running through her hair and legs tangled up with her own. She had never felt more content in her life. The woman next to her smelled of lavender and cigarettes, a smell that had become a comfort to the former nun. She turned over(flopped, as Lana would say) and smiled at the older woman._

 

_“I love you.” Lana had murmured, stroking Mary’s cheek with her thumb. Mary smiled in response, pressing her index finger to the older woman’s lips. Lana’s hand instinctively went to wrap around Mary’s, holding it to her heart. In that moment, Mary felt whole. For most of her life, she had depended on God. God was the hand that led her through the darkness, His arms were the ones that held her when she cried. He was her everything. After being freed from the possession, her connection with Him had almost disappeared entirely. Lana was the one that made her feel worthy of love again. When she was in Lana’s arms, the void that the possession had left in her chest didn’t ache as much, her legs didn’t feel as weak and her hands didn’t tremble with fear._

The summer heat seemed to seep into her bones, something she had always hated about New York. She and Lana had moved there for Lana’s -notably very successful-  writing career, but the city never grew on the former nun. Too many people, too many cars. Lana had always joked about shipping Mary off to live alone, in a cabin in the woods. _Not without you_. Now, Mary stood in the city that Lana loved, without her. The very thing she had prayed would never happen.

 

_“Father,” Mary murmured, keeping her voice low in an attempt to not wake the other woman. “I know only what I’ve been told about your feelings about things like this, about people like this.” People like them, she reminded herself. “But I have to have faith in love, in the way you protect love. I love her, Father, more than I ever thought I could love another person, let alone another woman.” Her voice cracked, tears filling her eyes as she thought about the prospect of losing Lana. “Please don’t take her away from me.”_

 

Mary had done everything she needed to do. She had no one to say goodbye to, no one to make amends with. Her fate had been sealed with a kiss. A kiss that belonged to God, as she had convinced herself. God knew of her dependency on Lana. She possessed strength in every quality Mary Eunice was weak in. They were truly perfect for each other, and after years of living with her, she couldn’t imagine living without her for any longer.

 

_“Lana’s gone, Mary Eunice.” The words didn’t set in immediately. She stared blankly at Lois, unsure of the meaning of the words she had just heard. “She’s dead.” The woman whispered. With that, Mary crumbled. Broken syllables fell from her lips in her struggle to piece together words. Her chest tightened and tears poured from her eyes. In a split second, she had grown still. Her crying silenced, but didn’t cease as she worked to form a coherent phrase._

 

_“Leave. Please. I need to be alone.” Mary whispered. She didn’t want to be alone, but she didn’t want to be with anyone but Lana. She closed her eyes, and did not open them until she heard the door click behind their friend. She wanted to scream, to mourn, but instead she became numb. She had never suffered a loss as great as losing Lana._

 

 _Maybe I’m delusional_ , she thought. But she could see Lana. The love of her life stood next to her, towering over New York City. She looked healthier than Mary anticipated, but then again, she was probably a figment of Mary’s imagination. An image created to comfort her in her time of need. Lana smiled at her, stepping closer.

 

“I missed you.” She mumbled, pressing her lips to the blonde woman’s cheek. “I’ve missed you so much.” Mary couldn’t respond, frozen in shock at the sight of the woman she _knew_ was dead. _But she’s so real. So present._ The smell of Lana surrounded her, even in death she smelled of lavender and cigarettes, and Mary found herself at peace.

 

“I’m ready, Lana.” Mary said, reaching for Lana’s hand. “It’s been hell, living without you. I don’t know how I’ve done it.” Lana smiled again, pulling Mary into a tight hug.

 

“I’ve got you.” Lana whispered. All of Mary’s doubts fell away until she was left with only her love and her desire to be with Lana for whatever eternity she would be granted.

 

“I love you, Lana.” Mary gripped Lana’s hand with all of the strength she had. Inching closer to the edge of the roof, until only her heels remained on solid ground. Turning her head to look at Lana one last time, she let herself sway.

 

And that night, for the first time in her life, she could fly.


End file.
